Waking Up

Today as I review things for the upcoming fight, I look into my past. I see where my first narcissist came from. I came from her body. Her name is Ruby. The body in which I acquired all my genetic make up and material in addition to my father. She was an interesting narcissist. Instead of raising me or participating in raising me, she allowed someone else to do so. Which makes sense as narcissists are completely involved with themselves. Why would she take time to raise and care for a needy child. Children require a lot of attention. This is something a soulless person cannot give because the baby gives nothing back in return for the investment. Yet at the same time, children prove to be great at providing narcissistic supply for narcissist. I wasn’t around her to become an idealizer. I never submitted to the spell of the narcissist, but I did get drawn into the web they cast. She was beautiful while I was growing up. She was something of an enigma. Something you couldn’t put your finger on, but wanted to be in the presence of. Once pulled in, I learned quickly that she didn’t really have time for me and that I needed to be something that gave her value or at least showed she was valuable to me.

There were times I tried to forge a relationship with her. In the end I got burned. I still bare the scares of the knife wounds from being disobedient to her narcissistic ways. I did nothing to feed into her need of being valued and looking great. I never once made her feel my life was whole and complete because of her presence. In the end I had nothing for her. Even to this day, I do not allow her into my personal space. She has access to my children, but my oldest sees how mean she has been to me. She doesn’t think much of her and limits her interactions with her as well.

The torture I received from Ruby would amaze most people as this is not a typical mother/daughter relationship. Actually, there isn’t a mother/daughter relationship. I have really do not have a relationship with her. Every chance I get, I limit our interactions. I limit our discussions about anything relevant. I provide her with no details that are meaningful. I learned this lesson again the hard way. While I was pregnant with my second child. I went through numerous CPS visits regarding my oldest child. Her father was and is in attack mode to have her removed from me. On the last visit with a CPS case worker, I agreed to go under observation with my oldest. Bad mistake as my attorney told me and I should not have signed the paperwork. I thought I was being open as in I have nothing to hide. I ended up signing away my rights to see my kid for the next 30 days. I thought I was saying I had nothing to hide by allowing them to observe me with my child. Nope. So, I had another interview with the supervisor. My oldest was returned to me and it was seen I wasn’t being abusive. During the time of trying to get in contact with the CPS supervisor. My mother was feeding information back to my next narcissist, their father.

My original narcissist with the narcissist I idealized and fell completely in love with. She decided to feed him information of what was going on. What an alliance! I have always known my mother was jealous of my life. Although I find nothing special or spectacular about my life, she secretly would love to see me fall. The question is why? As I have learned about narcissists, they harbor a lot of jealousy because they have nothing inside of them. They are riddled with fear and loathing. Anything I accomplished that she didn’t, she felt threated by it, jealous over it. I remember the attacks she mounted against me in when I was a junior in high school. She literally wanted me to go to jail and rot. It didn’t matter that she attacked me in my bedroom while I was asleep. No!!!!!!! I defended myself against someone I didn’t know. I can’t say I know who my mother is other than a narcissist. And it is a personality disorder that has certain traits based on the makeup of the person. I know she worships white men and would love to be white herself, as if that would solve her problems. LOL. She wants to be taken care of and has managed to contract a permanent disease in order to receive disability. So in a way, she is receiving what she desires. Yet it isn’t good enough as it doesn’t quench her material desires.

I have been asked to help her get shoes. High end shoes, like Charles Jordan. Now this is a request from a woman who goes nowhere during the day. Takes anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers to go into her drug space with her mind. Her drugs are downers so she can sleep away the demons that stay on her mind. Now, when I asked about what help meant, I got no reply in return. In my mind, I am saying to myself, help you get high end designer shoes so you can say you have them, they provide a temporary lift to your mood, yet my children have to sacrifice something as I spend monies on you. SERIOSULY! The request of course have stopped, but I get requests for food items from time to time. As my children and I are vegetarian and I used to be a registered dietitian, I provide or at least try to provide the absolute best in food choices for them. We still have our junk, like cheez its, commercial granola bars, etc. But overall, there is an abundance of fresh fruit and veggies available for them. I cook from scratch and try to create good balanced meals for them to grow and flourish on.

So the jealously continues. From their father, he was jealous in the beginning with how much attention I provided our daughter. I recall him saying that I would stop the world to address any question or need she had. Yet, I am abusive as a mother to her. The narcissism continues.

I realize now, how very much the two of them are alike. There was a third narcissist, but that was very short lived as the father of my children was very threatened by this narcissist as my job was in jeopardy. That narcissist will be discussed later as that was a revelation all in its own. I just didn’t see my second one clearly and that one damaged my spirit and broke me. He had the absolute most contact and had all my intimate details stored in his arsenal. My provision of narcisstic supply was a rocky one as I didn’t conform, but I was the perfect co-dependent to take the abuse he loves to give.

Back to my first narcissist, I didn’t see mood swings with her until she was entering into peri-menopause and menopause. I avoided her like the plague. For a while, she was in time out for about 3 years. I didn’t have any contact with her whatsoever. This is something I have learned you must do with a narcissist. Even now, with living in confines that are too close for comfort, I limit my interactions. I am sure she has gone through my things to provide details to the narcissist she is a minion for. It was amazing to learn she was feeding information regarding the CPS supervisor I was in touch with to my children’s father. I thought to myself, “How low can you be?!” But again, the jealously that she has is unfathomable to me. I don’t get upset with someone having more or better than me. I just work hard to get there myself and learn what I need to do in order to achieve my goals. That’s not what narcissistic do. They take from people to feed the hole they have. They fear someone will see them for who they really are. I remember being a child and seeing my mother as something special. Something untouchable, yet drawn to her beauty and sense of mystery. I can only imagine the hole in her heart as I know the hole that was created in mine from her leaving me and not knowing my father. But because I had some access to her, I felt abandoned and something was wrong with me because I didn’t have her love. My mother’s love is what I wanted. And thought I found the love I sought in my children’s father. The acceptance that I am a good person despite not knowing my parents and being raised by either. For a child to grow up knowing this and realizing that the body from which she came wants nothing to do with her is devastating. Emotionally crippling. And I see why my second narcissist leaving me was so devastating. I felt I had lost my world. I lost the thing that was perfect for me. Yet, I have learned with them, there is no such thing as perfect. You serve a purpose only to help them feed their supply. And when you no longer serve that purpose, you are like used toilet paper.